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Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Fuck Valentine: I want it all gone.

(He said, "If people ever ask me if I had a tattoo, I will answer yes. An upside down treble clef and a bass clef on my palm. Most pain tattoo in life.)

I think about you, a lot. Definitely a lot more than I’d like to admit.
I wish I could just forget about you and move the hell on with my life already, but it’s not that easy.
You see, you were a big part of my life. You weren’t just someone who passed through – at least that’s what I thought. We've been through a lot a lot of things... all those moments. I'm sure somehow my presence gave you a great impact in life. Because your existence did to mine. I really thought we could last and live happily, until you decided you no longer wanted to be part of my life.
Then you dropped me.
I guess that’s the part I’ll never truly understand. Sometimes, when I think about it.. I am angry. Everything that you said, all the promises that you made.. means nothing at the end. Because you're not willing to fight for me, for us. But no matter what, I would still let it go and could not hate you after all. I guess that's what love really is? I don't know...
How do you just go from being part of someone’s life to deciding that’s it, that you’re just over it and you can so easily walk away? Maybe because our relationship is kind of special. Because somehow it does involves few parties. And especially the expectation that your family put on you is so high that you decided to pull out and let me go... And at the end of the day, you still chose her. It's your choice after all.
I guess I’ll just never understand.

Back then, you wrote this in your blog. You said that this life is so unfair. You said that, if you choose her, it will be unfair for me. And if you choose me, it will be unfair for her. You said that you believe we are fated to know each other.. or maybe fated to be together.. cause of all the coincidences that happened all the time.. And you said that you're happier when you're with me compared to her. The time when you went to Thean Hou Gong temple and you got another verdict saying that you're lost in the sea.. and you shouldn't let go of the fish you hooked. It says that you must hang on to the hook. But you told yourself that you're going against the fate. That you don't want to hold me on any longer. You don't want to keep me hanging around anymore. The truth is that you care what other people think of me. You don't want them to judge me or talk behind me. It doesn't matter if they want to talk bad about you, but just not me. You don't want the never ending drama to keep goes on if we're together. The suffering will be endless.No use of interacting with a worthless guy like you and any guy out there on the street is also a much better guy than the idiot you. And you told me to forget everything about you including this blog post. Delete all the pictures, videos, messages.. and everything related to you. And after everything... you expect me to be okay about it? Sure I can delete your photos, messages, or even delete your number and block you from all the social media platforms. But how do I delete your face, your voice, and all our memories? How do I forget those sleepless nights that I had, endless cries I had because of you? 

You said that you would have problem facing her parents explaining to them about the situation. Your parents and family members sure won't accept you breaking up with her. Your friends will question and talk bad about us and spread our story out to everywhere over the world. You think you would have problem facing my friends and will not join any gathering because the feeling is so awkward. Your friends might hate me and my friends might hate you. That time when you said you broke up with her, you thought it was the end until her mum called you and insulted you..and then your mum even asked you to go to her house to apologize. Then your mum and sister even stalked me on Facebook and Instagram and etc. And the list goes on and on... 

I get it. I came from a very humble family background. I know where I stand. I'm not the type of girl your family want you to be with. But most importantly, it's not what they think, what your friends think, what others think.. it's what you think. Because if you really love me and wants to be together with me, you would not choose to let go. You told me that you're an idiot to sacrifice our happiness for other people. You expect me to understand that you can't afford to hurt more people. But the thing is now... it's really not about other people you know. I can tell you a lot of times.. that you need to make decision based on what you really wanted. You don't have to live your life trying to please others. Because it's your life, not theirs. And it's your relationship, what it has to do with other people? My post would go longer and longer telling you many reasons why you shouldn't care what others would think and judge. Because a tiger doesn't lose sheep over the opinion of a sheep. But then again, at the end of the day, you chose not to fight this journey. People said FEAR have two meanings. It's either you "Forget Everything And Run", or you "Face Everything And Rise". So I guess you chose the first option anyhow. It's your own decision that you want to pull of from this fight and let me go...

And can I be okay with it? Hell – I have to be okay with it. I don’t really get a choice in the matter.
Perhaps as you said, the feeling is right but the timing is wrong. But boy, it ain't so easy as you thought it would be. It's not about timing also. Timing is a bitch, yes. But it's only a bitch if we let it be. The truth is, it's not that you met me in a wrong timing or what. But it's just that you refuse to fight for me, to be in your life. Yes, you told me that the feeling is right, that you really love me and it's not about having fun. It's not fun at all when your heart hurts every night whenever you think that you need to make a decision. You said to trust you that you really love me and you did a lot of things for me that you didn't even think of doing for her. You said that you don't have the intention to hurt me at all. But the truth is, it's not about we meeting at the wrong timing. It's just that you don't care to spend your time, your life with me. Because if you really did, you wouldn't choose to let me go. Because if I'm the one that you want to be together with, you make the time to let me into your life.
It still hurts when I think about you, when I hear the song on the radio that reminds me of you, when I see other people post pictures with you or talk about you, or even when you post pictures of you and your girlfriend.. That sting is still there and I just get quiet. People used to ask me about you, but they stopped. I can’t help but wonder what they know that I don’t. Well although one of them still ask me about you from time to time. But I always tried to avoid his questions to prevent me from looking so pathetic. And because I'm so observant and smart, I know because of this complicated relationship that we had, our friends somehow involved in this awkward yet complicated situation too. For instance, when there's an occasion when I'm in it, you would be tagged on in your secondary Facebook account where your girlfriend wouldn't see it. But when I'm not around, it would then be tagged on in your primary account. Do until this extend. Need or not? And for what? To not let her know? Can she forget my existence in your life? Can she not think about everything that happened between us? Sorry if I sound pissed off but it's the love gas talking.
To you, it seems pretty easy don't they? If by hurting me alone, everything else would be alright, then closed case. You also mention that you would have a hard time facing her family, explaining to them about the situation. What about my family? Well of course, you don't have to face them because I didn't tell them about us in details. I can lock myself in the room, cry for many nights until they call and scold you for hurting me so much. Maybe I'm just too stupid for being so nice. Some people told me that I should just get myself pregnant back then and everything would be settled. But what's the point? I don't want to do until this extent. But love is actually very simple. I don't understand why our case can be so complicated till it involves so many parties. To me, relationship is about two people. It's about me and you and I really don't care how people would judge and think. But no point begging and asking you to stay in my life. I don't want this kind of relationship. I want somebody who's willing to fight for me, who would do anything to be with me. It's painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go, but more painful to ask someone to stay when you know they want to leave.

Time for photo break.

Remember the dramatic conversation that we had through COC layout during New Year Eve 2015? You replied me this when I texted you Happy New Year.
Then obviously it made me cried la what else. 

The account is dead now by the way. But it surely brings memories. Because we somehow met each other through this game. :)

Okay back to my emo post.

Love is hurting me again. Love is making me cry again. It's aching in places that didn't ache before. I say quietly to myself, Please... Please let me be. Please stop hurting me. The pain will eventually fade, but the next night, it haunts me again.

Sometimes I wish that there were such magical device like from the movie (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind). Where you can erase the entire memory of one person you wish to delete. Like deleting your picture from my computer. Permanently. Even if that person made a big impact in my life, even for a short period of time, like, 6 months. I want it gone. All gone. Unrequited love is the most cruelest love out there. I'm in love, all alone. It's been almost eight months since we last settled down and unplug the relationship for good, of course I'm all alone, what am I thinking? Sorry it's the love gas talking again. But it's so strange to be in it all by myself. If he was still in love like I am, he'll be back right? He would tell me, wouldn't he? Here's the thing: Why do we question love? Love should be blunt and straight forward. If he loves you, he'll come back. He'll come back.... Or am I bullshitting myself? There goes the question mark again. I need to get myself out of this loop. I'm in love with a man who doesn't even care and keep in touch with me anymore. I'm in love with a guy who, I'm pretty sure, doesn't think about me on a daily basis like I do with him. Fuck.

Only because I miss the guy who thinks I'm more important than his sleep.
Only because I miss the guy who have sleepless nights thinking and worry about me more than anything else in his life.
Only because I miss the guy who was willing to send me home after work and skip work to be with me.
Only because I miss the guy who came to Setia Alam Pasar Malam just to see me.
Only because I miss the guy who told me he love me, that his feeling towards me is real and how happy he is when he's with me.
Only because I miss the guy who told me about his ice dragon superhero fighting story that he plotted when he sleeps that he never told anyone before.
Only because I miss the guy who can't get me out of his head, who think of me every single day and dream of me almost every night.
Only because I miss the guy who said that he wants me so badly, that I'm absolutely irresistible and addictive.
Only because I miss the guy who stop using his Facebook account because of me, who uses back his Twitter accounts and blog because of me.
Only because I miss the guy who said he teared and thought of me when he watched the movie "我的少女時代 Our Times" thinking about us.
Only because I miss the guy who told me he think we are actually fated to be with each other.
And the list goes on and on..

We broke it off peacefully. We told each other that we need to stop seeing each other, we need to stop texting and calling each other.. for good this time. I still remember, for the last meeting, we went to the place where we first met. So dramatic but I want to remember the moments. We said "I love you" before we decided that this wasn't going to work. We hugged each other silently, in tears.. heart brokenly.. in the car before we bid goodbyes.

That's why I'm here still drowning in that love. It never left me. So now I'm alone in love. I tell myself, "It didn't work for a reason. It's been almost a year. You've got to move on." But I always lose that argument with myself. I'm lost in love.The past couple months have been the darkest days of my life. The time is only stretching more and more. And I'm still where I started. The walking wounded. The unrequited love. I'm still waiting for little pieces of my soul to fall back into place. But how much longer? Does time really heal all wounds? Seems like time isn't on my side on this one..

Right now I'm not happy, and I'm starting to think that maybe I will never be happy again. I'm so tired. And maybe, just maybe, someday I'll get over you. Or maybe I'll never ever get over you, and that's okay too. Perhaps I just need to learn to get over the thought of loving you. And I can miss you like hell but that won’t make you come back. 

I know I deserve more than the silence between us. So I’ll let the silence remain between us and allow it to grow greater and thicker. I’ll leave the last unanswered text I sent you there as a reminder. I’ll take your name off of my favorites list and I won’t look back. I need the little pieces of my soul back, however long that may be. I want it all gone.

I scheduled this post to go live sharp on Valentine's Day. Just because I want to remind myself that this would be the very last post that I would write about you.

I will never tell you about this post, instead I'll just put it right here. Although I know that you won't be looking for it, but if you did there's one thing that I want you to know and as I told you a lot of times before previously, "I don't blame you for this, I don't hate you too and I don't think I would ever will". Maybe it's just not my luck I suppose. ;') I hope you're happy with the choice that you made which I'm sure you are.

I hope that, soon enough, I live a life that is surrounded by happiness too. Remember you told me that I'm every guy's dream girl? That any guy out there would be so lucky to have me. But if there will ever come a time that we meet coincidentally, or if you come knocking on my door again, maybe I might let you back in. But for now, I've finally decided to really walk away. And you got your wish come true. I won't interfere with your life anymore.
And just like every time before, this will make sense eventually. One day I won’t think of you nearly as much anymore, I will move along and everything will be OK.
I hope...
Happy Valentine's Day btw. :)

P/S: If anybody reading this would like to judge or not liking this post, please head on over to this post: :)


Thursday, January 12, 2017

One Day You Will Meet Someone Who Will Love Every Single Part Of You

One day you will meet someone who will love the ugly parts of you. Every flaw, every scar and every rusty edge. And they will love those parts just as much, if not more, than the better parts of you.
You see, you aren’t supposed to look for someone who will only love you when you are at your best. You aren’t supposed to be looking for someone who only will treat you right, if you do everything correctly according to what they want. You’re not supposed to look for someone who doesn’t even love the real you.
And I can promise you this. One day, whether it’s two days from now, or five years from now, you are going to find this person. Whether you believe me or not. You will. 
I know this person is only in your dreams right now. This person is only a fairytale for you right now. And this person, doesn’t even exist for you at this moment. You’re probably thinking it won’t happen to someone like you. It won’t happen to someone who talks like you, or looks like you, or acts like you. But darling, guess what? One day you will find the person who adores the way you talk. Who adores the way you look. Who adores the way you act, no matter how crazy or silly you are.
You see, the right person for you isn’t going to be a perfect human. They probably aren’t going to have a six-pack with a million dollar smile. They probably will have characteristics that a lot of people would hate. But just like they will adore your negative traits, you will adore theirs too.

The difference between everyone else, and ‘your person’, is that this special person for you will accept who you truly are. And they won’t just accept it. They will adore it.
They will love the way your nose crinkles up when you smile. They will love the way you snort too loudly when you laugh. They will love the rolls on your tummy and will kiss the hell out of them. They will love the way you get so mad at the tiniest of things, and how you are too stubborn for your own good. They will love the way you drive them crazy. They will love all the baggage that past relationships gave you. And they will love you in moments, when you try to test their love for you.
They will love every single part of you. And no matter how terrible you can act towards them, no matter what ugly words come flying out of your mouth, they will still love you. Despite it all. Despite the parts of you that you wish weren’t there. Despite the parts that you hate about yourself. And despite the parts of you that you are ashamed of.
They will take all of you for who you are. They will hug your ugly parts and kiss those flaws, just like they kiss your other beautiful parts.
Because to this person? Every part of you is the most god damn glorious thing they have ever seen. And they wouldn’t ever, ever dream of changing anything about you.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

I Don’t Need You To Spoil Me, But I Definitely Need You To Make An Effort

My expectations in love seem high, but they aren’t unrealistic. They aren’t unreasonable.

I don’t need to be the only person in your life. I want you to have friends you can grab a beer with when I’m stuck at work. I want you to have parents you’re close to and cousins you visit on weekends. But I don’t want to be considered a second choice. The person you call when everyone else is busy. The person you fall back on. I expect to be treated like a priority.

But being your first priority doesn’t mean I need your full attention. I don’t need you to text me from the second your alarm chimes in the morning until your head sinks into your pillow at night. I don’t need never-ending affection. But I do need affection. I need you to set time aside to visit me and plan out dates you think I’d like. I need you to ask me about my day and tell me all about yours. I need you to prove that you give a damn about me.

And giving a damn consists of more than pretty words — it includes actions. I don’t need you to buy me plane tickets for my birthday and jewelry for our anniversary. I don’t need you to waste the paychecks you worked so hard to get on a single gift that I’m going to toss in my drawer. But I do expect you to find something special to wrap up for me. To write something thoughtful in my card. To make me feel like I actually matter to you.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t need you to spoil me, to put me on some sort of pedestal and act like I’m your queen, because that screams unhealthy. But I do need you to show me respect. To put in effort — as much effort as I do. I want us to be equals in every conceivable way.

The thing is, I don’t want you to do nice things for me, because I’m asking. Or because you’re worried about losing me. I want you to do them, because you’re crazy about me and want to see me happy. Because the idea of not doing them isn’t even an option in your head.

I want someone that doesn’t even realize how much effort he’s putting in, because his sweet gestures don’t feel like a burden. Driving me around isn’t a hindrance. Eating dinner with my parents isn’t an annoyance. Making time for me isn’t an inconvenience. They’re things he’s choosing to do — not things he’s forced to do.

I want someone that wants a relationship with me and is willing to do the work required to sustain it. Not someone that halfheartedly decides to commit, because I made him feel important and the sex was good. I can’t accept laziness. I can’t accept lack of effort.

It might seem like my standards are high, but they’re exactly where they belong. When it comes down to it, I’m not asking for much. But I am asking for you to try.

Monday, December 12, 2016

I’m Slowly Learning To Just Let Things Be.

I’m learning not to force things to happen.
I’m learning to just let them be, to let them align with my life when the time is right, to the let the universe bring them to me without having to run after them; because if you have to run after something, it means that it doesn’t want to stand still, it doesn’t want to be caught, it doesn’t want to stop at your door. I’m trusting God that what’s meant for me will eventually find me no matter where I am. I’m not going to be passive but I also won’t fight a losing battle.
I’m learning to let love find me.
I’m learning to stop decoding messages and mixed signals and signs and wait for the clear message, the message that is so obvious and easy to understand, the message that doesn’t make you question or second guess anything and the message that you’re truly waiting for. I’m learning to let those who don’t want me in their lives go, I might even hold the door open for them because I don’t want temporary visitors anymore, I don’t want to share my bed with someone who doesn’t want to spend every night with me and I won’t share my heart with someone who doesn’t want to protect it. I’m learning to let love find me when it’s real, when it’s simple, when it’s mutual and when it’s passionate.
I’m learning to be patient with myself.
I’m learning to take it easy on myself and my plans. I’m learning to be kind to myself when I slip-up and patient enough to make my dreams come true. I’m learning to forgive myself for my mistakes and let them be memories instead of labels. I’m learning to let these mistakes prove that I’ve tried for things that weren’t right for me, that I didn’t always play it safe, that I went for things I was unsure of and that I took chances.
I’m taking the wisdom I got from all these mistakes; the wisdom that taught me that mistakes often happen because we are forcing something that is not meant for us and we are trying to get something we probably shouldn’t have.
I’m learning to stop trying so hard to control my life.
I’m learning that it is okay if I don’t have all the answers or if I’m not where I want to be. I’m learning to let life take its course instead of trying to steer the wheel in another direction. I’m learning that I won’t always get what I want but life will give me what I need. I’m learning to treat life as a friend; trying to understand it, trying to love it when it’s being difficult, trying to accept it even when it’s frustrating me and trying to appreciate the experiences it has provided me with, the memories it gave me, the laughter it brought me and the sadness it put me through just to grow.
I’m learning to let things be and I’m learning to look at life as a person; a person who is also still trying to figure it out, a person who is flawed and a person who wants to be better on most days but falls short on other days like everyone else.
I’m learning to let the force of life move me instead of forcing it to stop.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Why You Should Never Go Back To Someone Who’s Hurt You

There are certain people to whom you’re attracted who are just plain toxic, regardless of whether you’re dating or just hooking up.

There’s an insatiable irresistibility about these people, in the way that they are close enough to you just to be out of reach.

It’s like you are constantly grasping for the threads of hope they dangle in front of you, whether intentional or not, but you somehow still find your fingers slipping into thin air.

You fall flat on your face, and it’s not the first time you’ve done it, nor the last.

You love seeing this person’s name light up on your phone. You would do anything to see him or her genuinely smile. You crave the way he or she looks at you when you’re alone together.

But, you’re looking into his or her eyes and you’re not quite getting the reflection you want.

There’s a disconnect, a sense of distance that tells you he or she isn’t quite present with you and never will be, despite how badly you want him or her to be.

“You know perfectly well what is happening, what the consequences will be and why it’s bad for you.”

He or she can say you’re beautiful, and you want to believe it because the words reach a part of you that makes you ache in both pleasure and pain.

A part of you seeks the pain this person gives you. It’s a twisted cycle of going back and forth to this person, and you can’t stop yourself from returning because of all the possibilities you convince yourself await.

“Maybe, this time will be different,” you tell yourself with willful naiveté. You know better, but you turn a blind eye, anyway.

The issue in being the one who always gets hurt is rationality takes the backseat in driving your decisions. You know perfectly well what is happening, what the consequences will be and why it’s bad for you.

You’re well aware there’s a difference between someone who treats you like a priority and someone who treats you as an option.

Usually, rationality does eventually win, but often, it takes a while to get there. Your emotions trump the bald truth screaming in your face because you give in too easily to your desire to wrap your arms around his or her neck again.

I suppose this can be perceived as weak and emotionally immature, and to an extent, it is.

We’re told to never settle for less than we deserve. So, why do we do it? Does giving in to temptation and giving up some of our power to someone who doesn’t regard us as high as we deserve make us lesser?

Perhaps, it just makes us all the more human to be foolish, hopeful, vulnerable and stubborn, all at once.

We purposely won’t listen to our friends’ advice, fully aware of the damages that will arrive after that long-anticipated, most likely drunken, kiss. All we want is for them to want us, too.

Getting hurt is one of the most intimate experiences you can have with someone else. It happens to even the strongest among us because we all have feelings and memories of which we are reluctant to let go.

But, I realize that while you may not be able to control how you feel, you do have control over how you allow yourself to be treated.

As much as we’d like to believe people would change for us, they, realistically, never will. It’s important we recognize and accept that.

There’s only so much you can tolerate, and part of the solution is figuring out your limits and what you ultimately want for yourself. It’s not easy when you find yourself slipping back into old, familiar patterns. But, in the end, your happiness is in your hands.

Some people, no matter how much we are drawn to them, are not worth that sacrifice.